Taking The Time

I have been dreaming about this blog and thinking about it for the past few weeks. Life seems to just fly by and the days blur together and I don't seem to have the time to sit and collect my thoughts. Even as I type, my daughter is singing a made up song about "razzle, razzle, dazzle" and banging a pen on a metal pan, occasionally inserting solos from her new "monica" (harmonica). Such is my life lately- and I love it. I used the majority of her nap time today to send out emails and take care of business for my calling at church but was hoping to get this post written before she woke up. However, things didn't go according to plan (like they EVER do, anyway), and I am being seranaded while I try to collect my thoughts.

But, I guess this kind of goes into my thought for day anyway, which I must add I am going to try to make quick, because I'd be COMPLETELY contradicting my point if I sat here for hours ignoring my child, to blog.

I realize not everyone has my everyday life, but lately it could be summized by one word. Kids. First of all, I have one--a very rambuctious, energetic, lively one under my watch 24-7. I also have one inside me, literally, and that consumes many of my thougths as well. Not to mention my 10 piano students during the week, park time, play dates, etc. So, my life is consumed with kids stuff. Kids schedules, kids shows, kids talk, etc. AND I LOVE IT!

Sometimes though, I don't take the time often enough to love it. To think about it and to think about why I love it. Let me back track into what got me thinking about this topic:

Once upon a time (Wednesday), in a far away land (daughter's bedroom), I was in between piano lessons and needing for a very cranky toddler to take a nap. Of course, she was tired and so she did need a nap, but I also had my own personal agenda on the line. I NEEDED HER TO SLEEP--I had two piano lessons following her and I couldn't risk, in her current condition of crankiness, for her to not be soundly asleep upstairs. So, I rushed her upstairs laid her down and immediately ordered for her to, "Relax and go to sleep...". Anyone who knows a toddler, knows that this is not something they just do immediately upon resting their head on their pillow. There are songs to sing, fingers to be turned into little imaginary people to play with, and a mirrored closet to practice your synchronized swimming moves in front of. As I lay there on her floor, frustrated and barking commands for her to be quiet and go to sleep (please don't think bad of me---I was stressed out), all the sudden I looked up at her big hazel eyes, as she said, "I'm sorry, Mommy. Don't be mad at me", and I felt an overwhelming compassion for this little one. Her Daddy and I are her life-her everything, and when we are upset with her, who else is there to turn to? I could see in her face that she was really upset that I was upset , and trying to rectify it by giving me a big cheesy smile, stroking my face saying, "Don't be sad, Mommy."

I decided to just give her the same courtesy she gave me to calm me down. I kissed her, told her I loved her, and knelt beside her bed and stroked her cheek, just like I used to when she was a tiny baby. Without exaggeration, within 30 seconds, her chest was rising and falling, her breathing was deep and she was out. Fast asleep. From hyperactive to comatose in 30 seconds.

The experience touched me so deeply and I immediately felt such a gratitude for the power that I have as a mother...as a woman. All she needed was my comforting touch, to know that I loved her and was willing to take the time for her. To focus on JUST her, no other agenda. It made me realize that, while life can get so crazy, stressful and hectic, that the blessings are immense.

It made me think of Sister Barbara Thompson's talk for the General Relief Society Meeting this last Saturday (which, I watched via the amazing internet on Sunday morning). The general topic for her talk was not necessarily related, but it made me think of something she said. She was talking about how all her life she dreamed of graduating college, finding a handsome husband, having four perfect children, her husband making a large income to support her staying home with her children, as well as leaving time for serving in her church and community, while staying active in the Gospel. These were her lifelong dreams. But as you may know, Sister Thompson never married, and while she has accomplished much in her vocation and schooling, many of her dreams didn't come true. But one thing that she said that hit home for me, was that the most important dream did come true, staying active in the Gospel, and how it has made all the difference.

I burst into tears as I thought about both of our dreams. They were/are very similar. I realized that I am living out most of my dreams... and hers. What she probably wouldn't give to lull her sleeping child off to sleep. What she wouldn't do to join in a harmonica, pots & pans, "razzle, razzle dazzle" song.

And I realized, I need to TAKE THE TIME. Take the time to enjoy my life, enjoy my blessings and realize that each and everyday, as I wake up to take care of my family and rear them in this Gospel, that I am living my dream.

Come On, Get Happy!

I don’t know if I truly recognized the beauty of the earth and our surroundings until I moved to the top of a hill. Something up here is so fresh—it must be the air, we must get it first since we are higher. Haha. I mostly recognize this on one particular walk we take in one of the most beautiful neighborhoods I’ve ever seen. The greenery is plush, the homes are beautifully landscaped and the lake is visible from certain areas. It’s breathtaking—(in more than one way…like I said, it’s a hill. There is uphill climbing involved).

It was on a particular walk one evening when I realized just how happy I am with my life. I looked at my husband and child, I looked at our beautiful earth, I thought about all of the circumstances of our lives and families and felt so incredibly blessed. I turned to my husband and I just said, “I am so happy with our life.” He concurred on this thought of mine and I started thinking about our lives together over the past five years and all of our different circumstances.

We started out in an apartment, went to living with parents, to a small home, to a larger home. We went from me having a corporate job, to working in the family business, to me not working at all. We went from Marc having a hard labor position, to no job, to coaching football, to part time, to full time student, to part time worker/part time student…to full time provider working 50+ hour weeks. We’ve gone from junker cars to nicer cars. From money , to no money, to some money, to money and so on. We’ve become parents, lost a beloved pet, been through a miscarriage and had countless other circumstances that have made our life interesting and exciting.

And as I thought about all of these things, I do remember times of sadness…times where we weren’t sure how we’d make it through a particular trial in life, but ultimately what I remember is just being happy. Continuing on our walk, on this beautiful evening, it dawned on me that the key to being happy isn’t your surroundings, your things, your circumstances, but it’s CHOOSING to be happy with whatever it is you’ve got. My husband and I discussed this and did agree that being happy with your current situation, does not mean that you have to settle as though you’ve reached a final checkpoint. One of the things that we share in common is that we both constantly look toward the future with hope and collectively work hard towards our goals. BUT, we have refused to live our lives saying, “Well, when ‘THIS’ happens, we can be happy.” I’ve noticed that when that is said, usually, God wants you to learn to live happily without it, before He will bless you with it.

If we are constantly looking around at what we don’t have instead of seeing the blessings of what we do, what makes us think that God is going to give us more to just turn our noses up at and neglect?

I’m so grateful for the happy life I lead. There are definite trials that we face on a day to day basis, but I see so much goodness that I am blessed with that outweighs any bump in the road.
Happiness is not an emotion, it’s a choice. I looked up the definition of happiness- it’s stated as “a state of well-being and contentment” . I started thinking about the word “contentment” and so I looked up the definition of content—“feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation.” I think this further concludes that happiness is a choice.
And this is something that God wants us to feel-- "Men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:15, 25).

Make the choice to be happy today. You deserve to have joy in your life.

I kept meaning to write this post...

I need an intervention.

I just had this epiphany today...I am a procrastinator. See, I knew I procrastinated. Most of the population probably does to an extent. But, the epiphany today was that I don't just procrastinate--I am a procrastinator. And it was like once I admitted it to myself, the evidence came rushing in as if a dam had just broken in the "I'll Do It Tomorrow" section of my mind.

For example:

*I look at blogs or read emails or facebook messages--spend sometimes hours on the computer, and get off having never responded to emails or messages or commented on one blog post, let alone blog anything on my own blog. I think to myself, "I'll comment later. I'll write them back tomorrow." And before I know it, it's been weeks. (p.s. Jenny--you know I love ya girl...and really, I'm going to respond one day. And we're going to get together one day...And I loved your last comment-it made me feel special, thank you. I've been MEANING to get back to you and tell you that.)

*I screen my phone calls...but for no real reason. (Sometimes... not all the times friends, so please don't get offended if you call me and I don't answer. I don't want the general assumption to be that I am ignoring your call.) I do have reasons at times, like being preoccupied or on another line or grocery shopping, but sometimes I just panic of having something else to think about or do that I just procrastinate that call. I say, "I'll call back later." The same is done with phone calls that need to be made. I put them off far longer than they should be.

*Sleeping longer in the morning because I stayed up late at night. I have been wanting to change this habit for quite some time but every morning, my half asleep self says, "Heck no...I'm tired. You kept me up until after midnight."

*House cleaning-now, I have a generally clean house. In fact, if you were to walk into my house you would think it was tidy and neat. Which it is, but there are certain things that REALLY get put off. Filing bills. Deep cleaning showers. Organizing the toy room.

*Taking care of business- I still have all of my Roadshow Receipts to turn in (probably $300 to $400 worth that I could be reimbursed for) and bags of stuffed animals ward members loaned to me, that I still haven't returned. I work well under timelines, but then when there is "no real rush"...I can't seem to get my butt in gear.

I literally, could go ON and ON! I definitely won't because I think I've made my point sufficiently and believe that I've probably made myself look like a major loser too...so we'll leave it at that.

Now that I've realized and admitted to my problem, I have to come to terms with how I feel about it. And the consensus with that, is that it makes me unhappy. I hate feeling unaccomplished- and the more I put off, the more is actually on my plate. If I took the tasks little by little, I know that it would make my life much less stressful.

So, I looked up some information on how to deal with procrastination and thought I'd share, just in case I'm not the only one just realizing they've been in the Procrastination Closet and is poking my head out in shame and trying to face reality.

This was from a Q&A section of the Liahona Church Publication back in 1993:

“I have a real problem with procrastination. I leave assignments unfinished, goals unmet, and promises unkept just because I don’t start things on time. I don’t mean to let people down. I just can’t seem to make myself get going. What can I do?”

Our Answer:

Procrastination is a habit that can be broken. First, you have to make the decision to change. Next, take the problem to your Heavenly Father. If you pray sincerely, he will give you the guidance and support you need to make the change. Then act on what you need to accomplish.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:
• Make a daily list of projects and check them off as you finish each one. Be sure to write down assignments when you get them. Carrying a small calendar might be helpful.
• Start with your most difficult task, or the one you like the least. The rest of your work will seem easy by comparison.
• Break down large and intimidating projects into smaller ones. Then do each one step by step.
• Reward yourself when you follow through with your projects. After you’ve completed an especially difficult project, schedule some time to relax.
• Make a game of finishing difficult or unpleasant tasks. Tell yourself, “I will work as hard as I can for twenty minutes.” When you stay focused on finishing something quickly, you’ll get more done.
• Remove distractions from your workplace. Keep food, televisions, magazines, telephones, and other temptations out of your way. ( I will add COMPUTERS AND INTERNET to update this from 1993.)
• Don’t procrastinate because you are afraid your project won’t be perfect. It is better to meet deadlines by making your best effort—even if the results aren’t perfect.
• Set realistic goals for yourself, and remember to be flexible.
• Don’t accept more projects and assignments than you can handle. If you agree to do something, do everything you can to follow through. Don’t say yes to someone if you have no intention of following through with the task.
• Set priorities and pace yourself.
• Make the commitment to change your habit of procrastination. The Apostle Paul counseled, “Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily” (Col. 3:23). Put enthusiasm into the many tasks you have to face and carry them out with a happy attitude. You don’t need to plan every minute of the day. Allow yourself free time and some fun, too.

The last part is my favorite. I want to know that what I'm doing in my life I'm doing "heartily" and carrying them out with a happy attitude. I also love that it's okay to allow yourself free time and fun. There is an undeniable happiness that comes with accomplishment. I think on days that we feel like slugs, it's natural for a bit of a bad mood to follow it. Then, you are in a bad mood and you have all of these tasks and duties around you that overwhelm you.

So, my goal is to work on my problem--to pray for guidance and motivation to overcome my challenge and to not procrastinate making this change any longer!

If you have any tips on how you accomplish your every day tasks on time and with a happy attitude, you're wisdom is always helpful and appreciated.

Lost and Found

I can't sleep-which is so unlike me. It's not normal for me to be blogging at 12:24AM. I left my nice cozy spot next to my sweetheart because my thoughts are just swimming around annoyingly in my head. They won't really leave me alone. Maybe if I let them roam freely for a few minutes, they will subside and let me sleep. (And maybe none of this will make sense, but you can blame that on the hour.)

So, I don't watch the news-like ever. I don't know if its a good or a bad thing, but mainly I get my news from two places. Facebook updates from friends who DO watch the news...or my hubby. A lot of times it's sad or negative. No one really talks too much about the good stuff-there may be a segment or two here and there, but normally it's not talked about as much. I just went to the Sac Bee website to check out the latest headlines, just to even see if their was good news-and really didn't find ANY. I found unimportant neutral news-about Sports or upcoming events at the White House, etc., but nothing particularly happy or good. (However, there was something about a study being donw that has shown pot smoke to cause cancer...and while cancer is DEFINITELY not good news, maybe it will be an eye opener to stop people from smoking it...haha. Insert sarcasm.). Anyway, my point with this is that sometimes I feel like it's literally DOOMSDAY! Now, don't call me Chicken Little or anything. The sky is falling-but it's been falling for centuries...the problem is, I think WE are causing cracks in the foundation that gives the sky no other choice but to cave in on us.

I say 'we' because I include myself. I'm human and I make dumb decisions. Decisions that maybe don't effect the world now, but I think could potentially contribute to the downfall of society. Sometimes, I honk at people in traffic when I really didn't need to for an emergency purpose (which is actually what it is designed for--it's not designed as a car's voice box to cuss out a person who cuts you off, believe it or not). Sometimes I say things I shouldn't say. Sometimes I treat my loved ones in not so loving ways. Sometimes I feel like I show a bad example to my daughter by losing my temper. We ALL do dumb things. It's human nature to screw up. But, what I USED to think went a long with that human nature was a sense of remorse-a sense of feeling sorrow for the wrong doing. A desire to change-to progress-to be better. Slowly, maybe even as slowly as one by one, it seems it's changing. Remorse is being replaced by justification. Feelings of sorrow or grief are being replaced by a sense of entitlement. And now, instead of a world working towards progression, it seems like selfishness is running rampant and we are all out there doing what we can to "get ours" and step on whoever we have to, to get there without even a second thought as to how our actions affect others--or how their ultimately affecting who we are.

My husband told me the other day that Korea wants to bomb Hawaii on the 4th of July--how they are planning to test nuclear missiles against U.N. Regulation; basically an "I don't care what the world says, we are taking this into our own hands" attitude. I, naively asked him, "Why don't they like us?" Which led to him educating me on all the different countries and our relationships with them and so on and so forth (I love my history buff!). And again, I naively asked, "Don't they realize that killing people doesn't really solve anything?" Like, really, why CAN'T we just have world peace. The answer?? POWER/MONEY-which is essentially the exact same thing. People cause wars-not countries. Powerful people. Selfish people.

And the wars don't end there. There are wars waging all around us. Wars within the walls of homes. Within families. And to me, this is the scariest war of all, because THIS is where it all begins. This is where the very beginning of the war starts and people are molded into who they will become. If we are not teaching our children accountability, consequence, love, remorse, humility and right from wrong, no one will. Period.

I look around and I see things today that I never would have dreamed possible. I see things around me that are keeping me up worrying late at night. (Hence...this post.). And I'm scared...I'm scared that we are all so susceptible. One swift move and we are within the grasp of a darkness that we won't even know hit us until we're enveloped. And it seems no one is safe.

My husband and I went to the temple the other night and I felt safe and reminded. I felt reminded that there is a purpose to this life. There is a reason to live righteously. There is a reason that I have chosen the life I lead. That reason is to return to live eternally with God and with my family. Heaven.

I was reminded of all of this and I was also sad. I was sad that I couldn't just wrap us all up in that warm blanket of safety that I was feeling. I was sad that I had to leave the walls of that temple to face an unsafe world. I was sad to think that I felt more unsafe because of the light that I've seen burn out of some that have once illuminated my life and inspired me-than because of the impending nuclear bomb that had been threatened on our country.

And what made me feel strengthened within these fears is knowing that I have the power within me to choose where I stand. The only weapon I truly hold is my convictions-and if all else fails, I know what I stand for. I will not justify otherwise. Mistakes are made-but I am not entitled to my fair share just because others may have done me wrong or done worse than I. Life is uncertain-but I do not have to be.

I think of our Lord-I think of how He knows us all personally. We all have a personal relationship with him, whether we realize it or not. Some of us are closer in that relationship than with any other. Some of us are lost and the contact is infrequent or non existent. But, the relationship is there. And you and I-- or the leaders of Korea, or the Taliban, or Britney Spears, or your next door neighbor, or the child in Africa who has never been taught of His existence in the first place--we are all special to Him. He knows us all by name and is searching for us to be safely gathered in.

This is one of my favorite Greg Olsen pictures. It's called, "Lost and Found". I feel comforted in knowing that no matter how lost we have been, we can be found if we want to be. Because, He never stops searching.

"I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick’ (Ezek. 34:16)."

"The Savior’s example of going the extra mile to find His lost sheep is evident throughout the scriptures. “What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine and go into the wilderness after that which is lost, until he find it?” (Joseph Smith Translation, Luke 15:4). The Good Shepard knew when one of His sheep was missing: “He numbereth his sheep, and they know him” (1 Ne. 22:25), “and he calleth his own sheep by name” (John 10:3).

He went “into the wilderness,” which at times has been defined as “a confusing multitude or mass” (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th ed. [2003], “wilderness,” 1432), and He searched for that which was lost.We are not told how long it took the Good Shepherd to find the lost sheep or if others helped in the search, but we do know that they “[knew] his voice” (John 10:4) and that He loved them. We also know that He did not give up, that He did “go … after that which [was] lost, until he [did] find it,” and that when He returned, the lost sheep was safely on His shoulders. And then He exclaims, “Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth” (Luke 15:6–7)." Mervyn B. Arnold, “Strengthen Thy Brethren,” Liahona, May 2004, 46–48

I will not rest until I and my loved ones can be safely gathered in. I can't give up, for I know that the moment that I do, I will be lost. I feel strengthened and inspired by those who are looking everyday towards progression-to move forward in this life in goodness and faith.

For me, that faith is everything. For me, there is no other way to find everlasting peace and happiness than to be safely gathered in and numbered among the sheep of His fold.

Lazy

I don’t know how many times I’ve sat and endured a headache or sneezed through a day of allergies, while I pass by the medicine cabinet on numerous occasions throughout the day. How easy it would be to simply open up the cabinet and relieve myself with some over the counter goodness that is meant to give relief. I obviously purchased it in the first case for such a purpose-I have faith in the products and have even had faith promoting experiences of said medications and their remedy. Then why, when I have the answer in my medicine cabinet do I suffer through the pain or itchy red eyes?

Plain and simple…I’m lazy.

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this at one point or another-the fact that I’m lazy sometimes. But, considering it’s probably been at least six months, and it’s on my mind, I probably need to re-address the topic to my lazy self.

So, this post is not necessarily about Advil or Zyrtec (nor is it a medicine ad but just in case you were wondering, those are my drugs of choice for such symptoms). More so, it’s a spinoff of my thought from the other day about the difference” the little things” make in life. The simple steps that we side step out of laziness or business or whatever else it may be, even though we have the faith AND multiple faith promoting experiences that such steps and practices would significantly relieve us of ailments in our lives.

I’ll start with the not-so-spiritual steps. For me, one of these is EXERCISE. Oh, I just feel SO much better after a good work out. The days that I skip this “me-time”, I feel a significant difference in my mood and energy level . Plain and simple, exercise does a body and mind good. A fact we all know yet are too lazy to take action upon. Myself included.

Another “little thing” that helps me feel better through my day is accomplishing small tasks- paying a bill, folding a load of laundry, emptying the dishwasher or simply replacing the empty toilet paper roll. I know these sound silly, but some days I swear I just put off every little thing and let them pile up around me. Then, it’s a feeling of not only laziness and procrastination, but being OVERWHELMED because now instead of doing a small task, you have to spend hours on end undoing damage that could have been easily avoided.

On to the spiritual steps. Last week, I took a morning where I woke up early. I decided that I was going to stay up after sending my husband off to work and study my scriptures. I prayed, I read and before I knew it, an hour went by. That day, was an amazing day- I even went to Winco with a two year old, bagging and lugging all my own groceries yet I had a skip in my step and a smile on my face. The thing that made it amazing was my attitude, my countenance; I was genuinely filled with the Spirit. Since that day, I have slept in. Since that day I’ve let other things get in the way of doing that “little thing” and guess what? I’ve been in a crappy mood at some point almost every day. Now it’s almost worse than before, because I know the remedy and I’m being too lazy to do it.

I've been in this place before- and I pretty much hate that place. Yet, who put me there? Me. And who can get me out? Me.

Now, I just need to walk over to the medicine cabinet (the bookshelf) and grab my remedy (my scriptures) and start my day out right with the best medicine.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Fell off the wagon...

Hey! It's me...it's really me. Some of me is old, some of me is new, some of me is borrowed, some of me is blue (not the color...just the emotion sometimes.)

I kind of ditched this blog. In fact, I was literally actually hiding from it...and I was trying to kind of hide it from the world too. I almost deleted it...again (why is that always a temptation?). I even moved the link on my own blog to the very bottom of my page to kind of hide it. I think I'm going to leave it there for a little while...just to give me some space to breath. I like the idea that maybe I'm only writing to myself or a few loyal readers. The idea of lots of people reading and analyzing my thoughts still kind of freaks me out...not that I ever had that many readers in the first place, but I'm okay with this fact. More than okay with it.

Because as I've mentioned in many a post, this blog was more an outlet for ME than anything else. And to be honest, I've been M.I.A from this blog for the past four months for a number of reasons. I got kind of "blogged-out"...the blogging bubble deflated a little and I was like "eh, whats the big deal?" Also, I've gone through a very uncreative period in my life. I haven't felt particularly witty or thoughtful or intellectual- therefore, I didn't feel the need to blog my daily thoughts of : "Life is good...it is what it is. I am happy. The end." This is the extent of how I felt most everyday- just good. Somedays were great, some weren't...but it was life.

So, let me tell you why I'm back...nothing great or bad happened to make me resume blogger life from my little hiatus, but I did notice the "little things". ( Isn't that always the case?? How many times have we heard the phrase- 'It's the little things...'?) I noticed a lull in productivity during my day. I noticed I had less of a "routine". I noticed that I wasn't thinking very deeply anymore. Mostly just on Sundays. :) I noticed that all the things I had written about previously "patience, humility...etc." crept back in my life to a point that I just didn't feel as, well...strong. I guess the "Finding Strength" thing only works if you keep looking for it. Otherwise, it should be called "Losing Strength"- and I think that would be a VERY depressing topic for a blog indeed.

This is why I'm back- because I really enjoyed the personal reflection time...and I can't say I even know how often it will be. It may be four hours, it may be four months- in between posts. But, I know that for me, it will be here when I need it. When I was more religious about blogging, I looked forward to it. I actually woke up early to devote the time to it- which set the tone for my day. I actually studied the topics and learned each morning, to which I began the day with a skip in my step, instead of a groggy, cranky mom moping around the house in my pajamas unhappily marching to the demands of my two year old to get her, her "waffle and choca milk".

Basically, I pretty much liked myself better when I was a Finding Strength blogger- just because I knew I was devoting time to working on myself to make myself a better person. To sit back and pretend like that kind of progression doesn't matter to me, is denying the obvious.

Hmmm-well, let's do a gut check. Do I feel better about myself yet? A little more accomplished today? And the poll says-"uh-yeah, sure." Better than nothing.

Now on to my next accomplishment for the day-making dinner for my family. Sustenance is strength-finding strength in my freezer in the form of frozen turkey meatballs and pasta counts too.

See you soon...

Not On My Watch

Quick thought of the day:

"The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Faith means trust—trust in God's will, trust in His way of doing things, and trust in His timetable."
Dallin H. Oaks, "Timing," Ensign, Oct. 2003, 12

So often, we are so busy trying to make things happen for us, conveniently on the time table that we would like for things to happen, that we forget to have faith and trust in the Lord. There have been many times in my own life and in the lives of those I love that I have wondered, "Why has this not happened yet?" or "Why is this happening now?" At the time, it feels like a different outcome or scenario would be much more welcomed into our busy lives and that if things just ran smoothly according to OUR plan, life would be great!

Problem is, we dont' know the big picture. In the "Grand Scheme" of things, the Lord has the full view. We have but a tiny fraction of knowledge living in the present. We can hope for the future, we can plan for the future, but ultimately, we don't know exactly what will happen.

I was having a conversation with my friend a week or so ago. She is moving soon and we were talking about the housing market and buying a house. We agreed on how scary of a purchase it is to buy a house and one of us (can't remember who, we think so much alike) said something about how we can't imagine how people make decisions without first praying about them and consulting the Lord. Truly, I feel like if I did not have the faith to first ask the Lord and second trust him, I would not have so many of the blessings I have in my life and that I would probably be on a completely seperate path than I am on right now.

I thought I wanted to be married many times before I actually found the right one and GOT married. Thank HEAVENS for the Lord's plan and HIS timing!

At a time when I feel as though my life is blessed and at a good place, I know it is easy to say "trust in the Lord's timing". In times of trial is when we experience doubt and fear. I can't say that I've ALWAYS been able to see the big perspective amidst trying circumstances that have left me praying, "Why me? Why right now? Why can't it just work out?" It's a constant learning process to trust in the Lord and the process in which He guides us.

Each trial we are given is a refiners fire. Each time we put things into His hands and let Him guide us where He would have us go, we are strengthening our will to withstand the trials that come in this life. Because then we know...we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He will say, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18

And with that faith and trust in Him, there is no need to fear. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Why Did I Start This Blog Again?

Back in August or so when I started this blog...I had reasons. I know I did....

....and those reasons were....


Wait, hang on. It's coming back to me. Okay...got it.

Sorry-got sidetracked from the point of this blog for a little bit.

This blog was the product of a personal search within myself. Hence, "FINDING STRENGTH WITHIN"! We had made some pretty big changes in our lives all at once, went through some trials and I was in one of those "re-vamping my spiritual routine" modes. If you are Mormon-or really any kind of devout member of a religion, you know what I mean. You know that we all go through our little phases. A "funk"...if you will; where we are REALLY good at something for a while and life is good, great, grand...and then, for some unbeknownst (I know thats a word and I also know that's not how you spell it. Whatever) reason, we stop or slack off. Well, this blogwas a way for me to use something I love (writing) to express something I love (the Gospel) and use it to share and receive that strength through others that may come across my humble little scribble. At the beginning, it was something I woke up and couldn't wait for. Everyday had a spiritual thought and opening to it; a little daily devotional and even if it was just for me and no one even read my musings, it didn't matter. It was so that I could remind myself of the strength that I have and can find through searching myself and the blessings of the Gospel.

Then, I entered the "High School" phase of my blogging experience. I started comparing myself to other cooler blogs. You know the kind. The kind where other blogs want to be like them, sound like them, wear the same cool background and layout as them. The kind that get hundreds of comments. The "Homecoming Queen" blog. The "Quarterback of the Football Team" blog. (Funny story- I married the quarterback and one of my best friends was the homecoming queen...nothing against the cool kids. I love them.) But anyway, I started thinking no one cared. Sure, I had friends that commented at first. My dad would say, "Hey, I read your blog. That was a nice post." Then it all kind of died down. And then I felt like no one wanted to sit at my table in the lunchroom.

Okay, okay...before you either feel bad and write a sympathy comment or judge me and think I'm a loser that I even cared- STOP-I'm SO not even saying that. I realized first of all, that again, that wasn't the point of this blog for me. I realized that because of my laziness with my blogging devotionals, I had stopped replenishing my supply of strength that I needed in the first place. I was the one that had left my own blog sitting alone in the lunchroom. I knew it was there. It was like my scriptures that sit on my night stand and sometimes don't get opened. I know they are there. I feel good that at least they are there, and not in a drawer somewhere NEVER getting opened, but really, what good does it do me to have them just sit there?

So then I contemplated deleting the blog. "I'll just write in my journal", I thought. (Although for some reason, typing up a blog seems a lot more free flowing then writing in a journal. Maybe because my hand gets tired from all the writing and because journals are so awkward to write in-seriously, whoever invented the spiral bound kind was a genious.) But then, after thinking about the journal, I decided to check my "Live Feed" down at the very bottom. It kind of monitors the traffic I get on my blog. And I realized, while my blog was being visited about as often as you visit the dentist, I was okay with that. I am okay with everyone coming in for their 6 month check up. Hey, at least we're all checking in on each other and sharing a little hope and strength, right?

Something I also realized, was that some people I don't know (and some people I do know) have linked my blog to theirs. (I love you by the way...that means so much to me. You don't even know). There are a handful of you that actually do care when I update my blog. Again...I really love you. I appreciate all of you-commenters or not. While I would love, love, LOVE to hear from you, that's not the point of it. It's not a popularity contest. It's not a judged paper. I don't need praise (or criticism-whichever is offered). My only favor I ask...is that if you have some insightful thought or spiritual strength you could share, spread the wealth. If not, feel completely free to continue to peruse as usual.

One last thing I noticed, was that my blog comes up on some of the COOLEST searches. People searching for "STRENGTH" PEACE"..."HOPE"..."LAUGHTER"..."LOVE"...etc. This feed thing actually shows what someone typed in to the search that led them to my blog. It made me realize that ALL different types of people, from ALL over the world, from I'm sure MANY different religions, all share the same desire. To find strength. Somehow. And so, if my blog is going to pop up on a search for someone that may need something that was written, maybe a quote I posted from a General Authority or something, why would I want to remove that tool? What would I do, if all the blogs and websites that I go to took it all away? Just because they felt insignificant.

And you know what, I may be totally insignificant in the eyes of the blogging world. I, am like, lowest on the totem pole of blogging, I'm sure. But I just realized tonight, that I DON'T CARE.

It's not for popularity. It's not to win the "BEST BLOGGER EVER" award. And it's not to be anything great to anyone. I would NEVER claim that anything I have to say has done anything remotely close to touching or changing someones life. But...one EVER knows how they may affect another.

For example, a very nice bystander at a make up counter stopped me today and said, "I'm sorry. This may sound really weird, but you have gorgeous skin." I almost cried. Especially because I had almost no face make up on and what seemed like pitch black circles under my eyes. It was such a touching thing for me that someone cared enough about a stranger to give them a kind compliment. She did not have to tell me that. She was not a salesperson...just a shopping bystander. She touched my life-even but for a small moment, in a small way. What if she hadn't said that? Yeah, life would be life...but she shared a little bit of her strength, with me. And it was inspiring.

So, I guess my point is, I'm gonna keep doing this. For me, mostly...and then after that, who knows. But whatever it is, I know that my intentions are to strengthen myself to be a better person and if some measly little thing I may write, or an awesome quote from someone great that I may post, makes someones day a little brighter, I am HONORED to have been a part of that.

To wrap it all up, thank you. Thank you if you are reading this. Thank you if you are just reading this for the first time. Thank you if you've read my blog before. Thank you for taking the time to share your strength with me by reading the things that are in my heart.

It means the world.