Talk-aholics Anonymous

Hi. My name is "S" and I am a talk-aholic.

Yes, it is true. I have decided to come out in the open and say it. I am addicted to talking.

It's something that has been a love/hate relationship in my life. There are times where I felt it was one of my most redeeming qualities; the ability to socialize and communicate with others. But there have been times, where my talking has hindered other abilities. One of the most important abilities that excessive talking can do, is hinder your ability to listen.

I have come to terms with the fact that being social and talkative is a quality I was given for purposes that I have recognized in my life, and probably things to come in my life. I have accepted that I do not have to change that part of me completely. There was a time where I felt very trapped inside my own personality and viewed my qualities and tendencies as negative traits. I sometimes had people in my life who would make fun, tease or ridicule me for these things, and instead of seeing in what areas I could use it as a strength, I came to detest the whole idea of it.

As I said before, I have since realized the importance of certain traits and gifts we are given, and that I do need to embrace this part of my personality and use it in positive ways...however, I have also realized that just because it can be a useful and positive thing, that it does have very much potential to be exactly the opposite.

When I was a little girl, my parents used to have to tell me at the dinner table to "stop talking and eat". I have been known to interrupt. More than 99.9% the of the time the interupption is unintentional, but an interruption none the less. I am a sentence finisher...gosh, isn't that so annoying? I annoy myself with it. I have been known to go on and on and on, writing about something in a blog and.....oh...okay, moving on from this point...

The problem with all of this, is that I am still seeking that balance in my life. To accept that I am who I am and that being a talkative and social person is part of my personality, but also on the flip side, to be a better listener and realize that there are others with just as important, if not more important, things to share.

What brought this on, was that our Bishop came to visit our home the other night to get to know us a little bit better, and he left us with a small booklet entitled, "3 Simple Ways to Become a Happier Family". I decided to read it that night as my scripture study, and I highly recommend it. There were some phenomenal ideas and solutions to stumbling blocks on the road to a happier family. You can request a free copy of this booklet from Mormon.org by clicking HERE and going to the bottom of the page.

Anyway, one particular part that struck me that I could start to implement into my young family and my marriage today was the section entitled, "Are You Really Listening?" I want to quote what it says under that question. There is no specific personal credit given for the wording, as far as the author goes, but I'd say it was generally approved in the church leadership. I always like to give the credit to the person who said whatever quote I use, but in this case, its an LDS publication. It says:

"Listening is more than just hearing. An important way to express your sincere interest in your family members is to listen to them carefully. Listening to what people are feeling as well as what they are saying takes concentration and effort. But the rewards are worth the effort-your family members will be more willing to open up and tell you what they thing and how they feel."

I could really relate to that, because, I remember a specific conversation I was having with my husband where this issue came up. He is not so much the intense talker, as I am, and so in the midst of a discussion, he said something to the effect of, "You may hear me, but you're not really listening to me." And it totally hit home. I was definitely "hearing" his words...but I was taking them in just to, and forgive my crudeness, regurgitate a defensive response. I was taking his words and throwing them back at him in order to further my own thoughts or feelings. I wasn't REALLY listening and internalizing his thoughts and feelings with a humble heart. As the above statement mentioned, this kind of listening takes concentration and effort...but the rewards will be worth the effort. I would always ask him why he didn't open up to me more, and it made me realize that my lack of listening did not invite that kind of a submission of his feelings. Why would you want to share your feelings with a wall... or worse, a rubber wall, where every feeling shared bounces off and hits you back in the face?

So, naturally, this portion spoke to me directly. The booklet then gives several steps that will help us to learn to listen more effectively.

*"Show that you want to listen by looking at them when they are speaking."

That eye contact means to the person speaking, that what they say is important enough to you, that nothing else is worth being distracted by. Even better, I think its nice, especially with couples to try to hold hands or sit closely. Focusing all of our attention on that person is not only a great respect, but it clears your mind of all distraction and helps you to internalize what is being said.

*"Avoid interrupting with your own experiences and opinions. If the one speaking pauses, don't rush to add your own ideas."

I should highlight this one in bright red and make it 100 times font. My mind sometimes works at a lightening speed and my wheels are always turning during a conversation. I like to be able to add my experiences. Honestly, and don't think I'm weird, but sometimes I get anxiety if I get a thought and don't share it. I have improved, but sometimes I almost have to hold my lips shut in order to not explode with my thoughts. Definitely something I am working on, and I have caught and noticed myself interrupting or waiting for someone to take a breath and jumping in. Not to mention trying to finish sentences or throw out words when people pause to recollect a word or idea. Seriously, that's annoying. And I really need to work on this one. Plus, it kind of gives the other person the impression that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say, or that you aren't even really listening to what they are saying in the first place because you are thinking about what you are going to say next.

*"Watch nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and posture."

It's not enough to just say to someone, "How are you?" If the response is "Fine," with a tone of frustration, or a frown, or slumped shoulders, survey says....probably not fine. Sometimes people don't know how to come out with it and share their thoughts or feelings. I think this is important for our kids especially. If parents are aware of non-verbal cues, there will be a lot more picked up on. You can often tell when a child or teenager is dealing with something...most of the time, they wear it on their sleeves. Being able to recognize these tones, expressions and body language is a huge step to opening those lines of communication. However, its very important to do-so positively, and with an attitude of acceptance, understanding and willingness to listen. Besides, most husbands know by now, if your wife says, "Fine," with any kind of a tone or expression...she's definitely not "fine". ha ha

*"Be accepting of how family members describe their feelings, motives, and goals without lecturing on how they should think or feel."

Often times we think that every one should view things the same way that we do. Sometimes, a solution to a problem can be in plain sight for one, and another person is blinded to that fact. One of the worst things that anyone listening to another person can say to them is, "You shouldn't feel that way." Everyone has a right to their feelings. No one likes to be told that the way they think or feel is insignificant or invalid.

*"Demonstrate your understanding by describing how they seem to feel: 'It sounds as if you feel...'"

I know this does sound a little bit "therapisty" but it really works! My husband and I have tried it, and it is amazing what is implied or assumed in our minds without reiterating to the other person what you heard. My mom always used to tell me, "You hear what you want to hear." And I think it is true...the same words said in one way, can be taken the complete wrong way by the listening party. It's important to clarify what we understand from our words so that the person really feels as though their true thoughts are being assessed and understood.

*"Share your perspective to offer your insight and alternatives. But unless serious matters such as health, safety, and moral issues are involved, wise parents often allow children to make their own decisions and learn by experience to the extent appropriate for their age and level of maturity."

It's important the we use our experiences to be able to aid others with options on how to handle situations that they confide in us with. Especially our children...they need to know that we have been there, and this is how we handled it or this is what we would have done differently to handle it. But at the same time, you cannot force someone to learn something just by listening to others' experiences. Part of this life is experiencing with our free agency in order to figure out what we want out of this life. As parents. or older siblings, or leaders, we want to teach people who have gone through something to "not go there"...because I've been there. However, after giving the advice and counsel we have to give, it is left up to them to react how they will with the guidance provided. It's a hard one...and I don't look forward to the day when I have to send my children off into the world to make their own decisions and hope I've taught them enough, but that is what makes them who they are and when their real character will shine through.

This section of this pamphlet really just made me realize in my life how much I might be missing out on because my mouth is too busy going to hear other important things that others are saying to me, that can help teach me to be a better person. And sometimes, the most important lessons can come from the simple conversations that we have with those in our every day lives. As Stephen Covey said, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."