This is an open blog, to any and all that would like to share their thoughts on ways that you find strength throughout life.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Positive Reinforcement

We are all human. We all have insecurities. Some are better than others at hiding them and some people scream insecurity. The point still being, everyone has insecurities.

Now, no one can take away anyones insecurities for them. It's something we all have to deal with and reconcile personally. However, our words and actions to others play a major role in attributing to the security or insecurity of others' and their feelings.

We do this in two ways, whether through words or actions:

Compliment: (a) an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration; especially : an admiring remark (b) formal and respectful recognition

Put-down: (a) depose, degrade (b) disparage, belittle (c) disapprove, criticize (d) humiliate

I'd venture to say all of us have probably received both of the above. Compliments that have left us floating on cloud nine and put downs that have left us crippled. I know I mentioned this in a previous post, Divine Reflection, and how we have to realize our divine potential and have confidence regardless of how others around us treat us, but I wanted to focus on helping build each other up. Most importantly, building up our spouses and close family/friends.

In marriage, most couples aren't exactly alike, right? I mean, they don't say opposites attract for nothing. Definitely you have similar interests or personality traits that attracted you to be with one another in the first place, but there will inevitibly be differences. In Stand A Little Taller:

"INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES IN MARRAIGE
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. ~1 Corinthians 7:3
In a marriage, each of us is an individual. Each of us is different. There must be respect for differences, and lathough it is important and necessary that both the husband and the wife work to ameliorate those differences, there must be some recognition that they exist and that they are not necessarily undesirable. In fact, the differences may make the companionship more interesting."
It's important that we accept our spouses for who they are. We need to build them up about themselves in their strengths, and help them progress in their weaknesses. ***IMPORTANT NOTE: Weaknesses are best acknowledged and defined by the indivudual. We should not point out areas that the other needs to work on and try to change them. A huge part of progression and change is realizing ourselves what the problem is, and desiring to change it of our own free will and choice.***
The way that we do this is with positive reinforcement: COMPLIMENTS!
My friend and I were just having this discussion, which prompted this post, and it dawned on me that while I might tell my husband every day things like, "I love you" or "you smell nice" or "Thanks for working hard"...maybe what I need to do is compliment him on something that maybe he's more insecure about. For example, he already knows I love him and that I am grateful for his hard work...its good to tell him that, but he knows that. He knows he smells nice, because he put cologne on that morning for that very purpose. What I need to think more about is saying things like, (and forgive the cheesiness), "That shirt really accentuates your rock hard biceps and makes you look really buff!" Okay...if you know my husband, that would be a compliment! And it wouldn't sound cheesy. You come up with what works for them. When my husband tells me he loves my body, well, I have a hard time really seeing that, but...I accept that HE does and that he really means it, and that compliment gives me a lot of confidence.
I had a friend recently relay an amazing compliment that a friend of hers had said about me to her. It really touched me that someone I barely knew had made an observation about me that I would never think someone would, and it meant so much for me to hear that. We never ever forget those kinds of compliments. They stay with us forever.
We also know that the opposite, PUT-DOWNS from a spouse can be worse than any other kind of put down. I know of a situation where someone I knew, who is absolutely gorgeous, had a spouse who constantly called her names, berated and belittled her. It blinded her to that fact that anyone could see that she was gorgeous, let alone herself.
We've all been the victim of some sort of abuse with a put-down and just like a great compliment, we will never, EVER forget it. I remember a girl in 6th grade telling me I had ugly hair. I remember a guy in 8th grade telling me to go drink a Slim-Fast. I remember a guy I was dating asking me if I'd ever considered braces...YOU DON'T FORGET THESE KINDS OF THINGS! They stay with you forever.
So, regardless of what relationship you are dealing with; spousal, friendship, family members, church or work acquaintances...we need to remember that we are touching others' lives...and we need it to be in positive, meaningful ways.
"TOUCH OTHERS' LIVES
Ye are the light of the world. ~Matthew 5:14
No man or woman proceeds alone. All of us are largely the products of the lives which touch upon our lives." (Standing A Little Taller)
We are responsible for the lives of others that we touch...we will be blessed for our acts of kindness and selflessness, and we will answer for the things that we have said or done to injure or criple others along the way.
The most insecure of people are those that put others down. I'd say the opposite affect of this would be that the more that we build up the confidence of others, the more we will build up in confidence about ourselves. As we seek to see the good in everyone else, we will begin to see ourselves in that same light and love ourselves.
Below are some great quotes on Critiscm and Kindness:

"We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves." ~Henri Frederic Amiel

"Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you." ~William Arthur Ward

"No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves."~Amelia Earhart

"So many gods, so many creeds,
So many paths that wind and wind,
While just the art of being kind
Is all the sad world needs."
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves."~James M. Barrie

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless." ~Mother Teresa
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~Philo
"The little unremembered acts of kindness and love are the best parts of a person's life." ~William Wordsworth
And just to let you know, you reading my blog is one of the biggest compliments to me. I may not even know that you are there because there may never be a comment made; but for me, to be able to voice my thoughts and have others take the time to read them has touched my life in a way that I can't even describe. So, thank you.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ok its me again! Thank you for helping me remember the tools that I have and I forget to utilize. Positive reinforcement has such an impact in so many areas of our lives from our marriage, to our relationships, lessons learned by our children, work, teaching and the list goes on. I was shocked to find that in Europe the way teachers grade work is based on Positive reinforcement. Its amazing how many teachers here do not do this. A simple +8 instead of -2, just look at the difference.
Have you heard of a book called "The 5 love languages" its worth reading. Puts a different perspective on our approach. Thank you for creating this blog and opening up the tools that I seem to forget, but are very important. Im so glad I found it.

Sara Marie said...

I love you! Thank you for this post. You just made me cry...good cry..not sad cry. haha I dont know why. I've been extra emotional lately I guess. I have always thought that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is a bunch of crap. haha. Words hurt! And sometimes the scars remain for months, years, even our whole life. Likewise, when we compliment others it boosts their confidence and self worth and lets them know that we love and care for them. No negative can come from a compliment. It costs nothing but has such a high value.

I want you to know how much I truly appreciate you. You may never understand how much I value your friendship (and Marc's too!!!). I am so grateful we have been able to jog together in the morning. I appreciate getting to talk with you. You always have the best way of looking at things.

Anonymous said...

Hi, very interesting post, greetings from Greece!

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