The Virtue I Lack

I have been thinking all morning about what topic I want to study today. I found some great focuses and tried to head in that direction, but no matter what I thought, my mind diverted back to what I am REALLY struggling with right now.

Patience.

To be completely blunt (and a bit crude) about it, I suck at it. I always thought I was a patient person...but you never know what you are really all about or made up of, until the test comes for that virtue. And for me, my patience has never truly been tested, until I became a parent. Let me revise that, a parent of an almost two year old.

So, naturally, I don't feel in any position to post on patience today . I have no words of wisdom of my own...and frankly, absolutely NO clue as to attain this virtue. But, no matter how I tried, I couldn't write this post on anything else. This makes sense to me, since (selfishly) this blog, for me, is about me learning more about things I need to work on. To find the strength, down within myself, which usually that comes for me when I organize my thoughts on paper (computer...paper, same thing).

So, I don't know if this post will help anyone, or even give anyone any comfort. I pray that it doesn't diminish the AMAZING JOY that is parenthood, or deter anyone from that precious calling. I WOULD NOT CHANGE A DAY IN MY LIFE, TO GO BACK TO MY PRE-MOTHERHOOD DAYS!!! I want to say that loud and clear so as not to confuse how I feel about the sacredness of my duties, and how much I love them with a love that's deeper than I can even describe.

But, one of the reasons parenthood is so amazing, is because it teaches you about yourself, and teaches you to be a better you. And you want that, because children deserve nothing but the best.

So, I went to the church website and searched the Gospel Library under "Patience". I found a First Presidency Message, from the Ensign, September 2002, written by now prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. He began with a story about a conversation he'd had with a stake president in Texas some years earlier. "I was met at the airport by the stake president, and while we were driving to the stake center, I said, 'President, how is everything going for you?' He responded: 'I wish you had asked me that question a week earlier, for this week has been rather eventful. On Friday I was terminated from my employment, this morning my wife came down with bronchitis, and this afternoon the family dog was struck and killed by a passing car. Other than these things, I guess everything is all right.'"

Now, I won't compare my situation to the above. My husband definitely didn't lose a job, I'm not sick, and although our dog did pass, it was over a year ago. But, honestly if you were to call me right now, and say, "How are you?" I may mask it and say a casual "Fine" and move on, because I'm a little relaxed now since it's nap time. But, if you'd have asked me an hour ago...and I actually had a spare moment to answer the phone, I would have said, "My daughter screams bloody murder if someone even LOOKS at her the wrong way. I have my windows wide open so as not to run the AC because, well, we have to eat, (haha), my neighbors probably think that I am beating the heck out of her because of the screaming! I spent the entire day yesterday mopping my floors and scrubbing down the kitchen and bathrooms, and three times today my child has spilled her juice and thrown her food from her high chair. I had to put her in time out five times within an hour, she hit her cousin, and her favorite new word is 'Mine'. On top of it all, I was up past midnight studying last night and so I'm cranky and tired. How are YOU doing?"

I know EVERY parent knows what I mean when reading that, and many of them have dealt with much more, and magnified by more than one child. For me, this is not about comparing. I know I don't have it any worse than anyone else. It's just realizing who I am, and dealing with trying to better myself when I get to those breaking points. And believe me, I'm there.

President Monson gives some great words of advice: "Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature. There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required. The counsel heard in our youth is still applicable today and should be heeded. “Hold your horses,” “Keep your shirt on,” “Slow down,” “Don’t be in such a hurry,” “Follow the rules,” “Be careful” are more than trite expressions. They describe sincere counsel and speak the wisdom of experience."

I feel like I have learned patience in other areas of my life. I am less anxious for "tomorrow" to come than I used to be. I used to feel like I always wanted the next "good thing" to happen, and I was so impatient with whatever current frustrating situation I was in. I feel like in most instances, I have learned to recognize the good and the lessons I am to be learning from those circumstances, and have been able to endure with faith and patience.

But, every morning I get up and pray for patience. And the thought that's on my mind, is developing patience so that I can be a better mother, (and so that I don't go running from my house screaming and end up in a straight jacket). I should know, that when I pray for something I am going to be tested. How would I learn patience just by the problem being taken away. I can't pray, "Father give me patience", and expect the lack of the need for it to teach me. Right? I mean, it seems like one that prays for a virtue, should understand that the lesson that comes with it to teach them the virtue, is inevitable. I know that I will learn patience...and I also know, for a fact, that I will lose it as well.

Often.

It will be a back and forth battle continuously, but as I pray and try each day, I know that I am working towards that virtue, little by little. This lesson to learn is a small price to pay, to be entrusted with this most important calling. I found a 1990 Ensign article by James E. Faust that describes this sacred duty well. He said, "While few human challenges are greater than that of being good parents, few opportunities offer greater potential for joy. Surely no more important work is to be done in this world than preparing our children to be God-fearing, happy, honorable, and productive. Parents will find no more fulfilling happiness than to have their children honor them and their teachings. It is the glory of parenthood. John testified, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” (3 John 1:4) In my opinion, the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life."

There are so many challenges in life. I have many more to come aside from parenthood, and I will need patience to persevere in those. I know that what I am learning now, will serve me for a life time.

So: Thank you, my dear Father for this sacred opportunity of motherhood, You thought me worthy enough to attempt. Thank you to my husband, who learns and parents patiently along side me. And most especially, thank you to my child, and future children, for letting me learn to be a better person, with you as my teacher(s).

Lastly, I found a cool quote website, wisdomquotes.com. There's some pretty cool stuff on here. Here are two of my favorites on patience:

"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world." ~Hellen Keller

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."~John Quincy Adams

And then on children. I couldn't choose. There were a lot, but they are good if you have the time to read them.

"Children require guidance and sympathy far more than instruction."~Annie Sullivan

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."~Bill Cosby (Haha...I love that guy!)

"It is very difficult and expensive to undo after you are married the things that your mother and father did to you while you were putting your first six birthdays behind you." ~Bureau of Social Hygiene Study, 1928. (Talk about pressure, haha)

"One generation plants the trees; another gets the shade." ~Chinese Proverb (Future son and daughter in laws, this is for you!! )

"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires."~Dorothy Parker

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."~George Washington Carver

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."~Maureen Hawkins

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."~Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

"Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted."~Garrison Keillor

"There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep."~Ralph Waldo Emerson

And my very favorite:

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

And I end this post, renewed with faith that I will make it through a million more days like this, and find the patience within to endure. Because I am doing it for my heart, who is napping in her crib upstairs.